


How to Seduce a Nerd in Six Easy Steps (Well, Relatively Easy)

by sarcasticsra



Category: Cracked.com, Cracked: After Hours
Genre: I Blame Tumblr, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-13
Updated: 2014-08-13
Packaged: 2018-02-12 23:00:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2127678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcasticsra/pseuds/sarcasticsra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Soren has a moment of realization. Events follow logically from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Seduce a Nerd in Six Easy Steps (Well, Relatively Easy)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [anathemagerminabunt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/anathemagerminabunt/gifts).



> So literally last night I was trying to sleep and my brain went, "Hahaha, just who do you think you are, you need to be writing fic!" and demanded I write this before any sleep could commence. Stupid brain. It was totally inspired by [this](http://sarcasticsra.tumblr.com/post/93546660606/thisdanobrien-cracked-dontsitaround) Tumblr post. Because c'mon.

**_Step one: Realize you’re an idiot._** _(This step may or may not apply, depending on how long it takes you to get your head out of your ass.)_

 

“Hi!”

Soren glances up; there’s a far too cheerful redhead smiling at him, given how late it is at night, and the fact that he’s the last one left at the table because the others once again managed to stick him with the bill.

She’s cute, at least. Actually, he's pretty sure he’s seen her around lately—taking pictures of the diner for some reason, possibly some kind of art student. Or maybe she just likes Instagram.

“Hi,” he says, smiling back, though his smile is much more reserved. It’s too late to be as charming as he usually is.

“Sorry to bother you,” she adds. “I’m Nicole. My uncle owns this place. Anyway, over break he’s been letting me take pictures for my photography class, I don’t know if you’ve noticed me at all. I just wanted to give you this one I took of you, and I figure this is my last chance, since I’m headed back to school tomorrow.” She beams again, handing over a glossy photo. “You and your boyfriend are really cute.”

She waves and walks away, leaving him with the photograph and that baffling statement.

It’s slightly less baffling once he actually looks at the picture. It’s of him and Dan, obviously taken from the other side of the table, zoomed in close—he can just barely see one of Katie’s hands reaching for a fry—and Dan is enthusiastically talking about something, probably in the middle of yet another one of his far too well-researched, ridiculous rants. He, on the other hand, is looking up at Dan like… well, he’s looking up at Dan like a man would look at his boyfriend. Or girlfriend. Or partner of any other gender.

Huh.

He thinks about this for a second. Does he want Dan? The idea is ridiculous, isn’t it?

Well, Dan is smart, and he likes smart, he reasons. He also likes nerdy (not that he admits that all the time), and Dan is also definitely that. Dan is funny, another plus. He’s not the most conventionally attractive guy in the world, but Soren is less shallow on that front than he’d have everyone believe, and Dan could reasonably be described as cute.

He is also, of course, a he, but that seems more or less irrelevant. Soren has always liked to keep his options open.

Goddammit.

He totally wants Dan. When the hell did that happen?

\---

****  
__  
**Step two: Put a plan in motion.**

 

“Hey, Dan. Want to go see a movie?”

Dan grins; it brightens up his face, his glee evident, and Soren feels himself smiling back automatically in response.

Jesus, he is a really fucking big idiot.

“There’s the new Transformers movie. I bet it’ll be terrible. Should we have Katie and Michael meet us there?”

“Why I am being paired with Michael in this conversation?” Katie asks, walking up just then.

Michael’s only a beat behind her. “You know why.” He leers as only Michael can, and Soren wonders if he’s going to fall over from the effort.

“Soren and I were talking about seeing the new Transformers movie. You guys in?”

“Mark Wahlberg had better take off his shirt,” she warns, “and you’re paying for popcorn.”

“Wait, you have a thing for Marky Mark?” Michael asks, grinning.

Soren decides another tactic is needed.

\---

****  
__  
**Step two-point-one: Put a (slightly revised) plan in motion.**

 

“What do you say we grab dinner, just the two of us?”

“Takeout from the diner?” Dan suggests.

“I was thinking something involving fewer plastic containers. Maybe a restaurant without novelty plates on the wall.”

Dan frowns. “Wouldn’t that kind of place probably kick us out if we started arguing about Star Wars or something?”

“So how about we… don’t do that?”

“I don’t think the topic would matter, any loud argument would probably do the trick.”

“We don’t have to talk about pop culture. We’d just be hanging out.”

Dan gives him such an uncertain look that Soren sighs, caving. “Or we could get some takeout and watch something on Netflix.”

It’s not ideal, but Dan grins, so Soren figures it’s worth it.

\---

****  
__  
**Step two-point-two: Put an (even more revised) plan in motion.**

 

At least the takeout-and-Netflix thing gets them alone together, and it _is_ fairly easy to turn it into a regular thing.

After Dan accurately predicts probably the fourth important plot point on this thing they’re watching, Soren smirks at him. “You’re good at that. Scary good.”

Dan shoves at his shoulder, but he’s obviously amused. “Yeah, yeah, I know, I have no life, it’s one hell of a scoop, breaking news at six.”

“Why do your news media references date back to 1965?” Dan laughs and ducks his head, and Soren grins at him. “That wasn’t what I meant, anyway. I like that you’re good at that. It’s just _you_. You know?”

Soren can’t be sure—the light’s pretty dim—but he thinks Dan blushes. Just as he’s counting it as a victory, however, Dan clears his throat and barrels on, talking about the TV show they’re watching, and the moment passes.

Goddammit.

\---

****  
_  
**Step three: Realize you’re dealing with someone utterly oblivious and be more direct.** _ _(Finally.)_

 

They’re in Soren’s car, sitting just outside his place—he’s getting ready to take Dan home after another Netflix marathon—and Dan is still ranting about something that probably relates to some discussion from earlier. He’s got the vague impression that it has something to do with time travel, but he hasn’t actually been listening. He’s too preoccupied.

Enough is enough.

“Dan, shut up a minute,” Soren says, breaking in mid-rant. “I want to try something.”

Dan stops in the middle of his sentence, giving him a confused look. “Okay,” he says, drawing out each syllable. “What are you going to try?”

“I’m going to kiss you,” he says, and does so before Dan can react. He’s obviously startled by it, but he relaxes into it pretty quickly—because, let’s face it, Soren is a fantastic kisser, and he knows it.

All things considered, it goes well. First kisses have the potential to be messy (well, theoretically, Soren supposes—he’s heard they can be, it’s never actually happened to him) and this isn’t. It’s nice, actually, and when he pulls away he realizes, yes, he would like to do that again.

Dan blinks at him. “I don’t, uh—what just happened?”

Soren smiles. He expected this. “I kissed you, Dan,” he says patiently.

Dan is quiet for a minute before he bursts out with, “You _cannot_ be gayer than me!”

This, Soren reflects, is a little less expected. “Well, I haven’t quantified it or anything…” He starts to trail off, but recognizing that expression on Dan’s face, he quickly continues, “Like you obviously have.” God help him, he only finds that endearing.

“Down to the thousandth decimal place,” Dan says firmly.

“I am not going to ask you what metric you’re using,” Soren replies, just as firmly. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter. We kissed. It was a good kiss, agreed?”

“Well… yeah,” Dan says, looking a little baffled. Easy agreement has never been one of his defining qualities, so Soren understands his confusion.

“Good. We should try it again.”

\---

****  
_  
**Step four: Practice makes perfect!** _ _(If already perfect, complete step anyway. It’s fun.)_

 

Dan is fascinating like this, sprawled against Soren’s couch, eyes wide, pupils blown, legs spread as Soren goes down on him. He’s never given a blow job before, but he’s gotten them, so he has an idea about what feels good, and besides, if anyone is going to have a natural talent….

Dan himself is a mess of incoherence, his hand gripping Soren’s shoulder, looking down at him like he’s still not sure this is actually happening. “Feel free to mess up my hair,” he tells him, pulling away for a second and meeting his eyes. He smirks. “Sex is one of the few acceptable reasons for it.”

As predicted, that makes Dan even more incoherent.

\---

****  
__  
**Step four-and-a-half: Be (very) pleasantly surprised.**

 

Dan’s mouth, while good for spouting off inane and wonderful rants about popular culture detailed enough to make the biggest nerd weep, is also apparently _fantastic_ at sucking cock, Soren discovers.

“I don’t have much hair for you to grab,” Dan says, actually sounding _mischievous_ , and Soren would be extremely proud of him if he weren’t too busy trying to remember his own name.

\---

****  
__  
**Step five: Talk about it, because over-analyzing everything is a deeply-rooted component of your relationship.**

 

“It’s a bad idea to ask, ‘so what the hell brought that on?’ after sex, isn’t it?” Dan asks, the first to break the post-coital silence.

“Yeah, for most people,” Soren says, shrugging. “We’re not most people.” He leans over, opening his nightstand drawer and digging around for the picture Nicole gave him. Once he finds it, he hands it to Dan.

Dan studies it for a moment in silence. “Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“But, I mean, you’re—”

“Yeah.”

“And you’re _not_ gayer than me?”

“Still not asking,” he tells him. Dan looks slightly put out, which is something Soren imagines only he could pull off after getting laid. It is kind of mean; the man probably has _charts_. “Was that the first blow job you’ve ever given?”

“What? Of course not. You can’t just—no, do not tell me that was your first, ugh, of course it was, I fucking hate you.”

“Well, at least you’re still gayer than me.”

Dan shakes his head. “This is just… so this won’t be just a one-time thing, will it?”

“Not at all.”

“Does that—so—are we dating now?”

“Sure. Why not?”

Dan eyes him suspiciously. “You’re taking this awfully well for a straight guy.”

Soren laughs. “I’m pretty sure my ‘straight guy’ card has been officially revoked.”

“Well, fine, a guy who always thought he was straight, whatever. Aren’t you supposed to have some kind of sexuality crisis?”

“We’re not in a dramatic coming of age movie, Dan. Attraction is attraction. I don’t really care that much about the specifics.”

“Huh,” he says, lapsing into silence again. It lasts a moment or two before he asks, “How long do you think it’ll take Michael and Katie to notice?”

“About five minutes?”

“Really? You think we’ll be that obvious?”

“There won’t really be anything ambiguous about me saying, ‘By the way, Dan and I are dating now.’“

“Oh,” Dan says, startled.

Soren knows Dan well enough to hear the pleased note hiding behind the syllable. He smirks. “We’re not in a coming of age novel, either.”

“Are you implying some kind of clear dichotomy between novel and film in the coming of age genre?” Dan demands.

“And if I am?” 

“Well, we’re just going to have to talk about that,” he says, but gives him a look that clearly indicates the time for talking has passed—at least for the moment.

\---

****  
_  
**Step six: Endure mocking from friends.** _ _(Sorta.)_

 

“Huh,” says Katie. She mutters something under her breath that Soren chooses to pretend is not, “I have totally read this fanfic.”

“Wait, I don’t get it. Tell me the joke again?” adds Michael.

Dan rolls his eyes. “There’s no joke, Michael. We’re just... dating.”

“Each other,” he confirms.

“Yeah.”

“No, I have to be missing some kind of joke.”

Katie jabs him with her elbow. 

“Hey! ...do that again?”

“Only if you’re good.”

“Pain as reward. I like it. Shouldn’t we be making fun of them?”

“For finally figuring out the obvious?”

“Oh, hey, that reminds me!” He yells across the diner, “Dan and Soren got together! Who won the bet?”

The cook groans, as does one of the waiters. Another waiter just smirks and holds out her hand.

“Has the entire staff of this diner been betting on which combination of the four of us would get together?” Dan asks slowly.

“You and I were front runners.” Michael leers at him.

“I’m honestly more surprised you managed to keep this a secret than anything else,” Katie says, and scowls at him. “Thanks for that, by the way. I could have placed a bet!”

“Nah, you couldn’t. They wouldn’t let me. Something about skewing the odds.”

“I don’t want to know,” Soren says, “and yet I find myself strangely compelled to ask anyway. Who would you have bet on?”

“Fivesome, duh.”

Dan, Soren, and Katie exchange a look. Finally, Dan offers, “You do know there are only four of us, right?”

Michael just shrugs and takes a drink of his soda. “That’s what _you_ think.”

Soren shakes his head, and from there the conversation segues into the creepiness surrounding movies with imaginary characters. Eventually, of course, Dan starts in on one of his impassioned (some might say _too_ impassioned) rants, and he has a feeling this one is going to involve _diagrams_. 

He grins, settling back in his chair to watch.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [How To Seduce A Nerd In Six Easy Steps (Well, Relatively Easy) (Podfic)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6779815) by [auroreanrave](https://archiveofourown.org/users/auroreanrave/pseuds/auroreanrave)




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